San Antonio Sunday Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 46, No. 69, Ed. 1 Sunday, March 28, 1926 Page: 38 of 92
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I FABLES IN SLANG of 1926h> GEORGE ADE |
The Fable of the Gent Who Was Probably Right
QNCE there was the kind of Ministering Angel who believed
that to make the World happy and scatter Rays of Sun-
shine and plant Flowers in the City Streets and encourage smiling
Faces the Bright Plan was to avoid Arguments and agree with
Everybody in the Interests of Good Cheer and Harmony. When
an Uplifter and Benefactor starts out to Yes the World right in
the Face of the Fact that nearly all Adults are wrong about
Everything he has to have a lot of Honey in his System to stay
on the Job.
We will speak of this optimistic Beamer as Mr. Ferver. It
will be better not to tip off the real Handle as he may be some
one you know very well possibly a Cousin.
Now Mr. Ferver was a Nice Man who had a Theory of
Life which is backed up by 1000 Slogans such as are printed in
Old English Type on square Cards and set up on Desks. As a
He-Pollyanna he was a walking Ad for all of the Books dealing
with Sweetness and Light.
Whenever he got real warm he perspired Maple Syrup. If he
saw an Individual who seemed to be transporting a hidden Sor-
row he wanted to go right up and kiss Him Her or It.
The very Type of Good Soul who is a Blessing to his Day
and Generation if you merely examine his Plans and Specifica-
tions but nevertheless and notwithstanding probably destied to
be a Joke to some Folks and a Nervous Shock to Others and
send some Good W oman to the Foolish House.
CLEAR TITLE BEATS CLEAR CONSCIENCE
As usually happens right across the Avenue from this Human
Chocolate Drop there lived a Pirate Chie/ who was hard-boiled
sun-cured and tougher than a Ten-Penny Spike.
Once more we will conceal the Identity of one of our Char-
acters and merely refer to this Egg as Mr. Grumm. Always it
is better to suppress the real Monicker. In this Case the Siberian
Bloodhound of whom we are speaking might be even nearer than
a Cousin. He might be You yourself.
There was one Reason why Mr. Grumm was talked about
so much and that was because he was always sued or suing
Nome One or hiring two or three Shark Lawyers to juggle a
Contract so that Mr. Grumm would get about two-thirds of it.
Many of our most hated and prosperous Operators have had
the same Idea in regard to Articles of Agreement. Somebody is
going to get hooked so why not the Party of the Second Part?
On account of this being a Family Paper that will have to go
through the Mails it will be impossible to set down the Words
used by Mr. Grumm. the Gladiator in expressing his Opinion of
Mr. Ferver the Pacifist.
The Latter often rubbed his Hands and registered Happi-
ness because he never had been snarled up in any legal Contro-
versy. Which is simply another Way of stating that he had
been stung hornswoggled double-crossed bluffed euchered
swept up and carried out.
Once these two Neighbors were involved in a Deal which
took in certain Payments and Rates of Interest and long-term
leases. The Dove followed his usual Policy of accepting any
kind of Compromise rather than go to the Mat with his Fellow-
Man. After it was all over Mr. Ferver had a Clear Conscience
MONTAGUE GLASS:
ATU RALLY I ain’t making no objections to my wife smoking.
Mawruss” Abe Potash announced the other morning “because I
don’t want my wife to smoke y’understand and if I was to object to
it understand me I might just so well go to the nearest cigar store
and buy her a box of Regalia de Ginsburgs Colorado maduro in Bis-
mark sizes. They would make her awful sick at first but she’d stand
a whole lot rather than leave off doing what I objected to.”
“Is this the way your Rosie acts Abe?” Morris Perlmutter in-
quired.
"It’s the way every lady acts when a man tells her she mustn’t
act that way” Abe declared “and that’s why I think that these here
presidents of women’s colleges show a whole lot of judgment when they
tell the lady students to go ahead and smoke their heads off and
even give them a smoking room to do it in. It’s an A-number-one
substitute for a No Smoking sign Mawruss and unless them college
presidents get cold feet about the fuss that the old gradgawates are
making and recall them smoking privileges y’understand I expect to
see smoking disappear entirely from ladies’ colleges.”
“What will they do then?” Morris asked. “Chew?’’
“That depends on their men folks Mawruss” Abe said. “Just
so soon as enough fathers say to their daughters: ’The only way you
will chew tobacco wiU be over my dead body’ y’understand then right
away ladies will begin to chew tobacco. Take for instance bobbed
hair Mawruss and do you suppose for one moment that women don’t
know just as well as you and I do how ugly ninety per cent of the
ladies make themselves by bobbing their hair?”
VEGETARIANS FOR SPITE
“Then why do they do it?” Morris inquired.
“Ain’t 1 telling you why they do it!" Abe exclaimed. ‘lt’s because
millions of husbands and fathers absolutely and positively forbid their
wives and daughters to have their hair bobbed. However there are
still several hundred thousand ladies left who ain’t yet bobbed their
hair and just so soon as their husbands and fathers tell them that they
must go right away to the nearest barber shop and get bobbed or they
need never darken their doors again y’understand the hair net and
hair pin business will begin to come back.”
“But women ain’t got no monopoly of wanting to do what they
ain’t allowed to” Morris said. “How many men do you suppose woulc
drink Old Pibroch of Donald Dhu Scotch Whiskey bottled at the dis
tiUery around the corner if their doctors ordered them to take s
glassful three times a day before meals? Not until they’d tried such
v»«t»djes as ipecac senna and aloes first anyway.”
“Well that’s where doctors make their big mistake. Mawruss.’
Abe declared. “They tell a sick man for whom beef-steak is poison
so eat only chicken and fish instead of insisting that he should ea
oref-steak at least once a day. In fact Mawruss if doctors was to
>rder stead three times a day instead of only one y’undestand
some people like yourself would become practically vegetarians jus:
•o put the doctor in his place.”
“And I suppose you always follow the doctor’s orders l:ke they
would be already commandments” Morris retorted “which it’s a’
kaat two years ago that Dr. Eichendorf er says you should take exer
and Mr. Grumm had a Clear Title and the remarkable Part of
it was that neither of them had any Trotfble in sleeping soundly
every Night.
You take a sympathetic Soul who has a Heart which fairly
drips with Heavenly Love and inevitably he will become a Weep-
ing Post and a Bureau of Public Comfort.
Once these two neighbors were involved in a deal.
Those who were up against it went to Mr. Ferver for Con-
solation and later sought out Mr. Grumm to have a heated Run-
In and then sign a Mortgage or the Dotted Line. They would go
on the Outside and curse the hardened Shylock at the same time
freely admitting that his Words of Wisdom had not been sugar
coated.
HELPING CUPID FIRE DARTS.
N Mr. Grumm was to the Human Race what Calomel is to
the Practice of Medicine.
As might have been suspected Mr. Ferver specialized in
Affairs of the Heart. He was one of the Many who believed that
the most useful Service to be rendered a Young Person is to
nag an dencourage Him or Her into taking the stupendous Risk.
It doesn’t seem to make much difference Who gets married to
Whom or why or what have you so long as the usual number
of Victims are induced to sacrifice themselves and keep the In-
cise or he wouldn’t be responsible for your liver y’understand and did
you so much as walk once round the block in all that time.”
CURE FOR BLEEDING HEARTS
“Did I ask Dr. Eichendorfer that he should be responsible for my
liver?” Abe said. “And that’s the trouble with what we are going
through today Mawruss. A lot of people are calling themselves
— —TZL-J
“Just As Soon As Enough Fathers Say To Their Daughters: “The
1 Only Way You WiU Chew Tobacco Will Be Over My Dead Body: Y’under-
stand Then Right Away Ladies Will Begin to Chew Tobacco."
’ doctors Mawruss and are telling us that they wouldn’t be responsible
for our morals if we wouldn’t cut out going to see certain plays and
pictures and reading certain books and a whole lot of other volunteer
doctors are telling us that they wouldn’t be responsible for our souk
if we wouldn’t leave off going to Sunday baseball games and playing
Sunday golluf.”
“How many games of Sunday golluf or for that matter week
• day golluf. did you ever play in your lifetime Abe?” Morris inquired
c “None so far” Abe said “but just so soon as it becomes a law
. that I shouldn’t I shall probably begin.”
stitution of Matrimony in good Working Order.
If young Arthur with the unsuccessful Moustache and a
rudimentary Intelligence and about $BO in the Bank went to
Mr. Ferver and asked him how about getting married to Poris
with the skinny Legs and the high Bob then the Promoter would
immediately give an Imitation of Cupid and his Dart.
“Yes yes!” he would chortle “by all means! Yes indeed!
What a wonderful Idea! ’ What a sweet and interesting little
Thing she is! Isn’t she? Yes. And you Arthur are the One
Man for her. Don’t stand there and deny it. One would almost
be tempted to make the Observation that from the very beginning
of Time you Two were intended for Each Other.”
WRONG BUT INTERESTING.
The line of Talk is merely Propaganda for Installment
Houses Rent Collectors and Baby Specialists.
Those who harkened to the Ravings of Mr. Ferver would
often get up in the Night many Months later to curse him and
rue the Day on which he had kidded them into it. This never
ruffled him. He was blissful in the Knowledge that he had
helped to lay the Foundations of a Home and link two mortals
together and act as Advance Agent for an assortment of Chil-
dren. *
The mere Facts that the Home was not paid for that the
Couple got along like a couple of Panthers and that all of the
Outcome were cross-eyed and adenoided cut no Percentage. Mr.
Ferver believed that it was better to marry. Any One that re-
main Single and stand out as a Blot on Civilization.
Candidates who went to the Coffin-Trimmer to get a few
Pointers never received any such Goo. He said that no Toung
Man should marry until he was able to support a Girl in the
manner to which she had been accustomed and he never had
heard of such a Case.
He said that when a Lad of Limited Means fell desperately
in love with some Modern Specimen of the Expensive Sex the
onlv sensible Thing for him to do was to take his Pinch of Change
to the nearest Drug Store and purchase a Dose of Arsenic. Such
a Procedure would save him Thousands of Dollars and would
insure ■him Peace and Quiet for eYars to come whereas any rash
Experiment would probably make a Bum of him before he was
30 years old.
It is said that he Did favor a Wedding once because he hated
all of the Parents of both Contracting Parties. The Alliance
' turned out to be a great Success simply proving what Mr. Grumm
had always contended that 90 per cent of the Race is absolutely
unreliable and no one has been able to sort out and segregate
and label the 10 per cent which should be permitted to live.
It will be evident that if the Counsel handed out by Mr.
1 Grumm were to prevail and be acted upon there would be no
People left on Earth by 1975. Such a Prospect would be more
than pleasing to him but it is not in line with the Program ad-
vised by Statesmen Political Economists and Humanitarians.
। So the Conclusion must be made that Mr. Grumm is wrong
and therefore Mr. Ferver must be right In spite of which Mr.
. Grumm is much more interesting to talk to.
MORAL: To expect the Good to be Good Company
would be asking too much.
(Copyright
Potash and Perlmutter Discuss
Controlling Fair Sex
“Well it ain’t likely that it will become a law” Morris re-
marked.
“Why ain’t it?” Abe said. “The responsibility of seeing people
play Sunday golluf and hurting their souls is getting to be more than
a lot of these volunteer doctors of morals can bear Mawruss and as
soon as the burden becomes too great Mawruss the idea will be to
shift the responsibility by turning it over to the police in the form
of a new criminal law.
“In Kansas for instance a lot of women couldn’t bear to have the
responsibility for people ruining their health by smoking cigarettes
y’understand. Them women was simply exhausted from the respon-
sibility of trying to prevent cigarette smoking so' they asked the
Kansas Legislature to pass a criminal law about it and the Kansas
Legislature barred cigarettes upon the principle that they couldn t
see so many women suffering from such a terrible lot of respon-
sibility.”
TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
“Thn your idea is that because a lot of women’s hearts bled for
the drunkards of the country Abe prohibition was put over not to
prevent drunkenness but to cure bleeding hearts” Morris suggested.
“My idea is partly that and partly that these here volunteer
doctors of our health and morals Mawruss have got hearts which
bleed too easy” Abe continued. “Out West Mawruss some of these
mourners for the public welfare has got so distressed over what could
happen to people’s souls livers stomachs legs and arms y’understand
that life is certain towns and cities for a healthy man of forty has
become the equivalence of a European invalid aged eighty ending
bis days in a wheel chair.”
“Little children in such towns and cities don’t learn to read by
memorizing A-B ab and the cat ran after the mouse” Abe continued.
“They begin by looking at the warnings painted on the street pave-
ment and posted on the sidewalks and children of four and five can
read sueh long sentences as: ‘Pedestrians Obey the Traffic Police-
man. Cross at Crossings Only on Signal from Officer.' Right at the
start of a long healthy life Mawruss them children are taught that
they would get fined and arrested if they wasn’t careful to act like
they would be deaf blind and partially crippled.
“Later on at the age of eighteen or so they would find out
that they are also looked on as liable to become drug fiends from
smoking one cigarette. They are also liable to act like a French
count in a Bowery melodrama if they sit alone with a girl friend in
an automobile by the side of the road and lastly Mawruss they are
liable to become forgers and embezzlers from playing penny ante five
cents limit.”
“And what has all this got to do with you minding Dr. Lienen-
dorfer and taking exercise for your liver?” Morris asked.
“I'm trying to show you by similar arguments why I slwuldn t
mind hit.” Abe concluded “and that my liver ain’t as bad as he
thinks it Is.” .'c
(Copyright ISM Sr the Bell Syndicate. lae.»
The Married Life of
Helen and Warren ;
A Perilous Flight
By MABEL HERBERT URNER *
A cloud-choked sky and hostile of their flight over the Danube. Eas*
wind. A treacherous day for ier to talk now in the muffling fog.
A fihurlrlnrv eidn Inrph fhruw ITrlm
The huge Air-Union plane ready i
to start. Two passengers had backed
out. Another couple were wavering.
Just last month a tragic accident
on this Paris to London route. Dis-
quieting visions of the wrecked plane
chilled Helen's enthusiasm.
“Look dear taking back their bag-
gage! They’re not going either.”
“Well we are!” Warren handed
over their bags to be weighed.
“ Wasted the whole mornin’ gettin’
out here —no cold feet now! They
fly in worse weather than this. What’s
that? Thought we were allowed 30
pounds each?”
But the three bags weighed 41
kilogrammes—about 82 pounds.
The excess paid their passports ex-
amined Warren paused at a refresh-
ment stand.
“Hello lunch boxes? Guess we’d
better nail a couple. How much?”
“Quarante francs monsieur.”
Fortified with two boxes they
crossed the wind-swept field to the
plane.
An attendant helped Helen up the
ladder into the low narrow “saloon.”
Like a chair car—two rows of seats.
OFF ON JOUBNEY.
“Where d'you want to sit?” Warren
swung in after her. “Way up
front?”
'“Oh how stuffy! And all these
windows shut. Can’t we have any
air?”
“Now don’t start on that! Plenty
of air when we get up.”
The wicker chairs and cretonne
cushions relieved the sombre metal
interior.
Only four passengers—and chairs
for twelve.
Shutting the door. Locking it
from the outside.
The pilot and his mechanic on the
raised open bridge in the center.
Awaiting the signal from the Aero-
drome Tower.
The flash of a red flag. A whirr
of machinery. They were “taxi-ing”
down the field.
Swinging around to face the wind.
Gaining speed.
Suddenly the bumping ceased. The
ground dropped from beneath them.
The noise deafening as they rose.
Higher and higher. Soon the houses
below but miniature toys.
Warren motioning her to look back.
Their farewell glimpse of Paris!
The Eiffel Tower Notre Dame
ontmartre —piercing the city’s smoke.
And the Seine with its bridges!
How like the Danube over which they
had flown last year. That glorious
first flight from Vienna to Buda-
pest.
THRILL IS LACKING.
Vainly Helen strained for the same
thrills. This dark menacing sky—none
of the sparkling blue-and-white of that
golden flight. And more like flying in
that small four-passenger plane—a
limousine on wings!
This large craft freight piled in
the rear seemed more commercial.
Over a village now. Church spires
white-dotted cemetery and chalked-out
roads. How similar all towns from
such height!
A group of factories screened by
trailing smoke from penciled chim-
neys.
Another air pocket! Another sicken-
ing drop.
That black cloud ahead. They were
plunging into it—earth and sky oblit-
erated.
How strange this darkness. Not like
night—a more sinister gloom.
Their wind-tossed plane rolled dip-
ped and soared onward.
The Frenchman three chairs back
now opening his lunch box.
One o'clock. They had left the field
at 11:30.
“Want to eat now?” shouted War-
ren reaching for their boxes.
Ignoring Helen’s pantomimed pro-
test he placed one in her lap.
A pint of Bordeaux wax-papered
chicken tin-foiled Brie and a hard
green pear.
“Oh be careful! ” as a deeper jolt
splashed the wine from his glass.
OVER THE CHANNEL.
But tho roar drowned her voice.
Warryi gnawed his drumstick with
masculine indifference to his wine-
spattered lunch.
Recovering her elusive napkin
Helen glanced at the Englishwoman
back of her. Eyes closed face jaun-
diced she looked ten years older.
“Over the Channel now!” bellowed
Warren.
L Yes through cloud chasms —the
rough greenish water far below. But
again blurred over. Clouds above.
and fog below —all the same murky
gray.
The roar less deafening now the
engines muffled by the Channel mist.
1 But the treacherous air pockets much
more frequent.
A terrific breathtaking drop! A
Scream!
1 “Oh dear she's crying. I'll go back
1 to *her.”
1 “Huh no place for hysterics. Move
easy—don’t rock the boat.”
Cautiously as though her slight
1 weight might upset the huge plane
Helen fHtocd back.
“Oh isn't it awful?” the woman
’ clutched her arm. “Why did I come?”
“We'll soon be there. We're over
■ the Channel now.
“My first flight—and my last!”
1 she wailed. “If 1 ever Jive through
it!"
Trying to distract her Helen told
nto the aisle.
The Frenchman sprang up. Warren
reached her first.
“Hurt? Too rough to visit around
—you stay put!”
“Dear it's her first trip” now in
he chair behind him. "She's terrified
it these drops.”
“Dont mind the drops—but I’m not
seen on this fog” grimly.
“You don’t mean its really danger-
>us?” alarmed at his tone.
“Not if it clears. But how in blazes
ran he land in this? Thick as soup.”
No view of the channel now. Noth-
ng but dense fog. I elow and above—-
m impenetrable gray veil.
“If we should meet another plane?”
ensed Helen leaning forward.
“Out of luck if we So” he fluug
nek. “That’s why we've slowed
iown.”
For Warren to be worried! Noth-
ng ever fazed him.
“We’re all right if he's got enough
iuice to keep on goin’. But if we’re
’orced to make a landin’ in this
og—” his shrug was ominous.
The Frenchman—livid! Orange silk
landkercbief and smelling salts.
The sickening turbulence of this
[lassed-in stuffy cabin.
FIGHTS NAUSEA.
Nudging Warren she motioned him
.0 open one of the windows.
“Nothin’ doin'. Wired down.”
“Then I’m going back where the
freight is—that’s open.”
“Here you sit tight!” be scowled.
‘Not supposed to roam around.”
Another nausea-fighting hour. War-
■en still gazing ahead at tho baffling
■og.
To slip hack without him knowing
she must have air!
Down the aisle past the wretched
luddled Englishwoman. Through the
ow glass door and out to tho. friend-
y compartment.
Dropping on one of the boxes by no
>pen window she drank in the moist
-hill.
Looking up she could see the pilot
>nd bis mechanic in their high center
perch. Formidable in leather coats
lelmets goggles and chest phones.
Maps and instruments. Anxiety in
their tfnse survey.
Lost in the fog? Off their course?
An awesome rumble. Thunder!
Raining now. They had plunged in
to a spongy cloud.
On and on through the thunderous
sleeted darkness.
A deep forward pitch. A packing
rase slid toward her.
“Maggs Bros. 34 Cpnduit street
London ’ was the black-lettered ad-
dress.
Conduit street—near Piccadilly !
How remote that bustling thorough-
fare from this eerie vaporona world!
HELEN DREAMS.
Other worlds —astral planets—
What was she trying to recall? A
dust-dimmed window—her grani-
fafher’s attic. Stacks of old books.
r»ne without a back—“ Other Worlds
Than Ours." ...
Other worlds! In tone with the ele-
ments. To fly on and on —why not?
How long before “Week-End Ex-
cursions to Mars"?
Sailing through these lightmug-
charged clouds anything seemed pos-
sible.
A strange sense of elation. The urge
to fly on. This dense cloud-ocean —
it’s solidity reassuring. One could
walk on those velvety billows.
Still over the Channel? The rum-
bling fainter. Dying echoes of a ce-
lestial turmoil.
Warren! Glowering disapproval.
Coming back for her.
“You all right here?” above the
roar.
“I couldn’t stand it—with them
both sick” drawing him to the win-
dow.
“Hope these Johnnies know where
we are. This fog's gettin' on my
nerves!”
Finally through a cloud rift. a
glimpse of land. England! Tho
chalky cliffs of the coast.
Further on another glimpse. The
fog thinning but the rain-weighted
wind terrific. Ghoulish shrieks above
the roar. The shuddering plane rose
and fell.
At last on a field ahead the mam-
moth white letters —“CROYDON”
Could they make a landing in this
gale?
Flying lower. Nearing the Aero-
drome sheds.
A group of bobbing umbrellas—like
animated mushrooms. Anxious atten-
dants watching their perilous descent.
Circling lower. Still lower Breast-
ing the sleet-driven wind.
PERILOUS LANDING.
A final convulsive jolt. They were
hurdling over the field!
The attendants rushing forward
unlocked the door. Friendly Eng-
lish voices!
“Steady miss!” Helen holding her
wind-ballooned coat was helped down
the ladder.
The Englishwoman still ill. Almost
carried across the drenched field.
The London motor waiting their
luggage was examined with accommo-
dating celerity.
“Stiff gale for flying.” admitted the
inspector as he chalked their bags.
“Rotten trip!” growled Warren
“We picked a prize day. Those tricky
nir-currcnts over the Channel—nothin’
but! And I’m .fed up with fog.”
"Dear look—five-thirty!" amnz-d
Helen glancing at the Aerodrome
clock.
“Huh took ns six hours —supposed
to make it in four. Lost two hours
floundering around in that biotnin’
fog. We’d have made it just as quic^
by Dover-Calais. Didn't save nny
time—and a blame sight rougher."
“But dear we loathe those smelly
old Channel boats "
“Well any way you do it—crossin’
the Channel’s no joyous jnunt” trim-
ly. “But in a fog like that—you're
safer on the drink than over It! Too
darn far to drop. Flyin's a cinch on
the Continent. But wh<>w we hit. tile
Channel we'll stick to the smell v old
boats—at least you can dive off m-l
swim!"
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San Antonio Sunday Light (San Antonio, Tex.), Vol. 46, No. 69, Ed. 1 Sunday, March 28, 1926, newspaper, March 28, 1926; San Antonio, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth1631548/m1/38/: accessed May 24, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; .