The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 47, No. 16, Ed. 1, Wednesday, March 29, 1961 Page: 5 of 8
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MARCH 29 1961
THE PESSIMIST
PAGE S
Two Foah Six Eight'
We Don't Wont to Integrate!'
The
These are a few of my favorite
tilings
Watching the Roscoe Snyder &
Pacific train come into Abilene
Texas
Street fights on Dallas north
north side
Handshakes by President Ken-
nedy Can-openers
The clumsy speed of a rejecting
78-rpm record
The Roman Quorum sanging
"Bringing in the Sheaves "
The way Pope John XXII told
me he liked me
The flute cadenza in Samuel
Barber's Overture to 'School for
Scandal "
The peppermint toothpicks at
the Dixie Pig
Coot hangers
The smile of Gina Lollobngida
a friend of mine
The massive quietness of the
wheat elevators in Bonner
Springs Kansas
Bobby socks and high-heeled
shoes
Ranunculous bulbs
Winning free passes to the
Putt-Putt
Conversations with the third
barber from the left in Tony's
Shop in Montmartre
Running bicycles into parked
cars in Nashville Tenn.
THE
Paraplegic
Sk d 9
pat
WPTIMIST
APRIL FOOL
EDITION
ncian
The silver salt spray kicked up
in the wash of an jceanbound oil
tanker heading south from Port
Arthui's Texaco Island
fhe Voice of Freedom
Logging trucks stripping second
gear negotiating the Tiout Creek
turn on High 87 in the Bast lexas
Piney Woods
Communists
Liberals
Atheists
Heretics
Radicals
Democrats
Drinking a toast with Nikita
Krushchev
Hunting Albno Rhinoceri on
the shores of Lake Chad in West-
ern Africa with Prank Buck
Hoyt Houchen's sermons
Mid Macnight's sermons
George Bailey's soimons
Making n religious movie with
Charlton Heston
Looking up big words in the
Thesaurus
Playing the fool
The Vanderpool brothers M
Norvel Young and F W Mattox
Fingernail clippers
Chip steak sandwiches in Abi-
lene Christian College's Grill
Campbelhtes who can't take a
joke
Writing obscure columns
Et lu Charlie?
Martial Law Reigns
Students Rebelling
Tension and anxiety continued
to mount on The Hill today as the
campus was operating under
Mantial Law following last night's
student not
At 7 30 last evening a huge
mass of students had stormed the
Administration Building after it
was announced that "Tales of
Uncle Remus" was being included
in the Elementary Education
graduate required readings
IN AN ACTION which Bob
Huntingdon ACC Publicity Di-
rector called simply marvelous
disglustingly and outstandingly
degrading a crowd of White
American Rightists began to
grumble while dining in The
Boanery around 5pm
Talks turned to terror as stu-
dents began to assemble brand-
ishing clubs axes "nigger-shooters"
and sling shots and a few
smooth stones
Charging the massive pillars in
a frenzy the rioters chanted their
Granny Likes
To the Editor
I wish to congratulate you on
a truly inspirational newspaper
I am a recent convert to the
church (You know the one I
mean everybody ) and all that
nasty stuff that appeared in those
papers in the fall was just awful
I might be interesting to tell
that I send a copy of the Optimist
to my aging maternal grand-
mother every week She writes
that she "really enjoys those nice
news stones and cute little things
those young whippersnappers
keep putting in "
She is a great readei of the
Bible (we know what that is don't
we everybody7) and she just loves
those parables in that crazy Kan-
ard's column She is from the
farm and likes animals as good as
an thing
Well I can't think of anything
to say but I am sure glad to wnte
tins lettet It is the first one I
have ever written to an editor
I hope you like it
Thanks again for a clean in
spirational Optimist
Jimmy Crowe
Purposes Parlayed
To Hill-Toppers
Since there seems to be some
doubt concerning the role of ACC
the administration would like to
set forth in outline form the exact
and specific purposes of this
Christian school
ACC endeavors to
(1) Educate youth in right
thinking and proper living
(2) Present The Truth
(3)" Put First Things First For-
ever (4) Provide a college for White
Christian Americans
(5) Uphold without deviation
the time-honored traditions and
practices and ideas and habits
and emotions of our ancestors
(6) Be a conservative light to
the world in matters of faith re-
ligion and politics
(7) Provide a haven of rest and
quietude free from disturbance
and sin for the youth of our fair
land
(8) Build and build until we can
be like TCU
(9) Convert the world for
(9) Convert the world for
American Christian Education
battle cry in unison ' Two Foah
Six Eight! We Don't Want to
Integrate "
THE STUDENTS were organ-
ized something which has been
exceedingly difficult to accomp-
lish this year" said Dean Beau-
champ "They knew what they
wanted and went about it in an
effective way "
An extensive search for Gordon
Campbell leader of the Camp-
bellitcs for Chnst was being con-
ducted throughout the night but
as yet he had not been appre-
hended Campbell is accused of laying
the groundwork for the nots with
an outstanding piece of subver-
sive literature entitled "What
This Campus Needs is a Good
Student Riot "
MEANWHILE a group of counter-revolutionaries
the Yarghs
were beginning to sound off on
the campus
Snoopenfinder Finds ACC
Library Fine Nixes Bean
In a mass all-school assembly
early this week on the steps of
the Ad building Dr Ima Snoop-
enfinder President of the Federal
Bureau of Investigating National
Accrediting Association reported
his findings and impressions of
ACC to the students and faculty
In an atmosphere start with ten-
sion the audience breathlessly
awaited the judgement of the
great educator
"Students" he diawled be-
tween chews of tobacco ' I am
Dr Ima Snoopenfinder President
of the Federal Bureau of Investi-
gating National Accrediting As-
sociations " At this point he was
given the traditional Pay-For-A-Day
applause
Di Snoopenfinder went on to
inform the crowd of the areas in
which ACC is of great strength
"Your magnificent new library
for example' he said "is excel-
Song Hits Listed
Campus radio station KACC
has released the results of a re-
cently conducted poll which asked
students their favorite songs
Heading the list of favorite
songs was "Cocktails for Two"
others in order of ranking are the
"Dnnking Song from the Student
Prince" "I Could Have Danced
All Night" "Beer Barrel Polka"
"Dance with Me Henry" "The
Tennessee Waltz" and "Dancing
in the Dark "
HHHHHHHHHHHHI
"Tales of Uncle Remus" is an
outstanding book" said Fairy
Russell arch abilotionist from
Sinner Texas "It is a shame that
some of our 'right-thinking' stu-
dents do not realize that Even
The Optimist carried a book-review
of the novel published by
the Gideon Company "
Incomplete reports and rumors
were pouring into the Pessimist
office when the presses began to
roll but it was too early to de-
termine any defiWte trend of
action.
"THERE IS all hope that the
students are calming down" said
Bcauchamp "When I was sneak-
ing into my office I heard a group
of students faithfully singing the
refrain" ". . . red and yellow
black and white . . ."
All of the right-thinking stu-
dents especially Jimmy Dees
applauded
lent proof of the emphasis placed
upon higher learning here on the
Hill Not only are the facilities
the most modern and convenient
that I have ever seen but the
hundreds of thousands of volumes
are well-worn and oft-studied.
That " he paused meaning
fully means education"
The crowd chanted "Amen
Amen" in unison
"Hear me out brethren"
rumbled Dr Snoopenfinder. "Al-
though you have many strong
areas I would be neglecting my
duty if I refrained from mention-
ing your many weaknesses" The
crowded stirred uneasily "In all
kindness I must rebuke you for
such things as your dining facil-
ities Catchings Cafetena is en-
tirely too much like a worldly
public restaurant what witii two
waiters to a table soft music
dimmed lights and I don't know
what all Forgive me friends but
that atmosphere is not conducive
to good study habits The students
spend of their time fraternizing
over coffee and jello instead of
Learning "
The crowd muttered angrily.
Dr Snoopenfinder further pro-
ceeded to criticize the inadequate
student center compulsory chapel
and the injured track team. As
the derogatory remarks were di-
rected at these sacred cows the
enraged mob rushed upon him
with bared fangs and many rocks
with which they stoned him.
And Cullen was consenting to his
death
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The Optimist (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 47, No. 16, Ed. 1, Wednesday, March 29, 1961, newspaper, March 29, 1961; Abilene, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth91778/m1/5/: accessed May 1, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Abilene Christian University Library.