The Alto Herald (Alto, Tex.), Vol. 8, No. 47, Ed. 1 Friday, October 30, 1908 Page: 3 of 8
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JOHN nCNDY
ON
THE OINhJEH
PAUTY
by geo. v. hobart, ("hugh m'hugh.")
Doar Hunch: Thf> other evening
when we gave an onion saengerfest
you remember our Uvea were saved
from too much vocal fireworks by the
announcement that chow was ready.
We waltzed In and took our stalls
with hearts full of thanksgiving.
And here's where old Dr. OufThand-
«r, the food expert, stepped into the
spot light and took the show away
from everybody.
You know. Hunch, the Doc is one
of those old guys with n license to
hunt for germs, and everything lie eats
has to give the countersign and then
go through a written examination.
He lovos to display his scientific
knowledgo and throw Latin crimps
Into the low foreheads.
llncle Peter believes every word
that leaves Doc Oufftutnder's face, but
for my part I think he's an old Cam-
embert.
Well, Hunch, no sooner were we
seated at the table than Doc parted
his whiskers carefully, coughed to at-
"Havo a Lemon," Said Stub.
tract attention, then picked up a
little neck clam on the end of his fork
and proceeded to give it the third
degree.
"The adulteration of foodstuffs
these days is being carried on to nil
extent worse than criminal," the old
fluff began, solemnly. "Ah, even here
1 see traces of sallysllllc acid with
borax-phosphos, even hero <m tills
clam."
"Put a little tabasco on It and cut
loo«e," suggested Hud Hawley.
"Have n lemon," said Stub. "Squeeze
It over the clams and make a wish."
Uncle Peter and Uncle Gregory, the
latter refreshed and made happy by
Ills noisy nap, were the only ones at
the table who seemed to lake the doc-
tor seriously.
Uncle Peter listened with mnrked
attention, while Uncle Gregory
glanced at his clams and shuddered.
The doctor ate his unconcernedly.
When the soup came on the Doc
lifted n spoonful thoughtfully, then
sloshed it slowly back in his plate,
while the two old unkies eyed him
nervously.
"It's bullyon," whispered Uncle
Peter, anxious to prove the soup's In-
nocence.
"Booyon." corrected Aunt Martha In
a stago whisper to Undo Pete.
"Here," said the doctor, examining
the spoonful critically, "here are
traces of hydrophosphatcs and about
ten per cent, philharmonic acid."
"1 never oat soup," gurgled Uncle
Greg., "because it's a waste of good
space."
The doctor said nothing more, but
quietly surrounded Ills soup.
When the fish was served the doc-
tor danced over hiB plate with hlr. fork,
and said: "Hydrostatic acid with here
and there symptoms of manganese
germs, and a few sulphide microbes."
Uncle Gregory pushed his plate
back with a sigh that was pitiful to
bear.
Unexpected Ally.
Truth was at the bottom of her
well, but the Cost of Print Paper, by
shouting very loud, made her hear.
"I'm going to help you!" declared
the Cost of Print Paper.
Of course, Truth hurried right up—
the way things were going, she was
mighty glad to be helped.
"Easy enough!" the Cost of Print
l'apar went on, in a breezy, confident
way. "I'm making it so the news-
papers would rather take the trouble
(o get things right in the first place,
than give up so much space to deninls
the day after."
"Dear me; this is very gratifying!"
exclaimed Truth, rubbing her hands
and beaming cordially.
The 8mug Fellow.
"I don't see why Goodley Bhould be
unpopular with you all. He never
speaks ill of anyone." "No, but he's
one of theso very smug fellows who
can say: 'Oh, yes! Jones seemed
very happy when I saw him last,' and
say It in «uch a way as to give the im-
pression that Jones was horribly
trunk."
Peaches was now so nervous that
her hands wero doing a shaker duet,
and there was a bright spot on each
cheek.
The others at the table, with the
exception of nervous old Uncle Greg-
ory. paid not the slightest attention to
Dr. Btisyface.
Even Uncle Peter threw away his
gorni fear after the clam episode, and
took a long chance with everything
from soup to nuts.
Next we had some chicken a la
Maryland, with Fronch-frled potatoes,
green peas and aspaiagus tips.
When Uncle Gregory saw all this
Ills face broke out In a smile, and we
could see his appetite roll up Its
sleeves.
"In this," the doctor began again,
holding up a chicken wing on his
fork, "la this we have a cold storage
hen which has been treated with ox-
alic acid nnd chloride of potassium to
keep It in a shivering state."
"Pardon me, doctor," exclaimed
Peaches, indignantly, "but It Isn't a
cold storage chicken, because 1 bought
It from Mrs. Klley only this morning."
"Possibly." went on Caterpillar
Charlie, "jjosBibly my hurried diag-
nosis was at fault, lv.it we can never
be sure about these things, because
here, on the elbow of the wing. I find
traces of callsthenlc acid over the
membranes."
"No, thank you," said Uncle Greg-
ory, "I never eat chicken, It gives me
the heartburn," nnd the poor old guy
struck such a note of hunger that I
wanted to throw that damdoctor out
of the window.
Hy this time several others at the
table were becoming more or leas Im-
pressed. and the dinner party was be-
ginning to assumo the cheerful aspect
of a meeting of martyrs an hour be-
fore the arena opened.
"Please pass me some French-fried
potatoes," whispered Gregory, after
the pangs of hunger had eaten him to
the ropea.
"Here we find," croaked the doctor,
raising a silver of potato high on his
fork, "here we find one of the most
evil effects of food adulteration. This
w- ,/"Vs
"But We Can Never Be Sure."
potato was grown In the fall of the
year 188!). hut It has been washed In
alum water to give It. the appearance
of being modern, while Its eyes have
been treated with belladonna to make
them bright and snappy."
Uncle Gregory groaned pathetically,
and the rest of us. out of politeness,
tried to look Interested, but only suc-
ceeded In looking seasick.
When the Ice cream and cako were
brought on Dr. OulThander drove his
spoon down deep into the chocolate
and vanilla mixed, and said: "Here Is
a pitiful Illustration of what dishonest
tradesmen will do for money. Here
we find that somo of this Ice cream
was pale originally, but It waa treat-
ed with aniline dyo to .> it tlili
chocolate effect, arid tli akotl In
the sun to dccclve tho ?: on the
other hand, we find thi Ilia was
originally dark and fori)! : . imt it
lias been treated with p -!,• of hy- '
drogen to mako it more t Monde " '
"Pardon me, docti napped \
Peaches, her teeth chat mg with
nervousness, "but this l> • -ain was ;
made In our own kitchen Dura, our
own cook, with cream :;om Mrs.
Klley's own cow, and v ••• <-r have
any but home-made ic^ . mmiii, so
there!"
"All," said the doctor, ili' ii In that
case It must be traces or tlianatopsls
which i Bee, and the evMenre Is con-
clusive that a great deal i artificial
frappe has been used, ih-vi-j-ihelesH."
"No. thank you," said Uncle Greg
or.v, "I never eat Ice c:< mi, because
It .goes to my head and makes me cold
to my friends."
"Take this coffee, f Instance,"
chortled the doctor, jusKlitiK a spoon-
GROCERIES!
ALWAYS FRESH
Hay, Bran, Chops, f^dS
BEST FLOUR IN TOWN
Every Sack Guaranteed, or Your Money Back
"I Never Eat Ice Cream."
fill with the left hand and four lumps
of sugar with the right "herein you
will find copper salts, Iodide of chic-
ory, a four per cent, solution of gladi-
olus, together with about a sixteenth
of a grain of mocha to the cupful."
"No, thank you," gasped Uncle Greg
ory; "1 never drink coffee; it gives mu
the hiccups."
After the dinner was over Uncle
Gregory took me outside and whis-
pered: "John, for the love of a bliss-
ful heaven, the next time you give a
dinner party cut out that bug doctor,
or let me wear ear-muffs!"
Peaches hasn't spoken a sensiblu
word since that bitter evening.
Can you blame her?
Yours till the wheels fall ofT.
JOHN.
(Copyright, 1908, by O. XV Dillingham Co.)
N. H. AGNEW
Will Deliver Goods Right nto Your Kitchen
Farmers' Union Cotton Warehonse Charges
Weighing to cents
Storage,first uiotilli 25 cunts
K.tch additional month'"" 15 cents
Arrangements have been made tor advances of money to per-
sons desiring to hold for better prices.
IW.T. Williams!
Staple Groceries
i Flour, IVieal, Bacon, Lard, |
Hair and Heredity.
Gettrude nnd Charles Davenport,
connected with the Carnegie Instltu
lion's station at Cold Spring Harbor,
N. Y„ writing la the American Nat-
uralist of the results of their observa-
tions on the "Heredity of Hair Form
In Man," say it Is now possible to pre-
dict from the hair of parents the form
of their children's hair, whether
strulght, wavy, curly or frizzy. They
find that the following rules are al-
most Invariable: "Two blue-eyed,
stralght-lialred parents will have only
blue-eyed, straight-haired children.
Two wavy-haired parents may have
straight, wavy or curly-haired chil-
dren, but the chalices of curly hair are
slight. Two curly haired parents, may
have children with either straight,
wavy or curly hair, and the propor-
tion of curly-haired offspring will prob-
ably be large."
Installing Relics of Logan.
Mrs. John A. Logan has begun tho
work of supervising the Installation of
the relics of her husband, Gen. I>ogan,
in the memorial liall prepared for
them in the state house at Springfield,
III. The collection consists in part, of
a large number of photographs taken
during the civil war, photographs of
Gen. Logan from boyhood up, bronzes
and resolutions passed by organiza-
tions all over the United States at the
time of bis death, and resolutions on
the death of his son, MaJ. John A.
Logan, Jr., Thirty-third United States
Volunteers, who was killed on Novem-
ber 11, 1899, while leading a charge
against Agulnaldo's intrenched army
In the Philippines.
LOOKING AHEAD.
1
MaJIRjase
buxeaii
Clerk—Well, children, what can I do tor you;
Tho Lady—Please, mister, Willie here wants to know If youseil give us
a marriage license, an' ho pay you when he grows up an' geta a Job?
I
SUGAR, COFFEE, SALT, MATCHES
SOAPS, AXLE GREASE, Etc
1
\ The Best Flour in the Town a
^ EVERY SACK GUARANTEED ^
Hay, Bran, Chops, Etc,, in stock. Come and see me, I ifln
I
£ and will save you money on your purchases
j W T. WILLIAMS \
when: you need
New Buggy Wheels, Buggy Points
Wagon Skeins of Any Make or Size, Correct Horse
Shoeing, or Any Other Kind of Blacksmith
Work, It will be to Your Interesl to See Us
P A T T O N <Sc DICKEY.
I At the Same Old Stand!"
Ready to serves my many customers
with the best to be had in
| Staple and Fancv Groceries
Z Of all kinds. Have just received
S Fresh Bacon, Hams, Lard ::
jp
Flour, Sugar, Rice, Candies, Canned Goods, etc
See me if you want Fresh Groceries
, JOHN NOBLITT texas %
Rural
Telephone A
-SERVICE 4BP&
In connection with the Long Distance Lines of the Southwestern
Telegraph and Telephone company will increase the producing
power of any farm. You pre placed in close touch with markets
near by and remote. The United States weather reports are availa-
ble, and intercourse between neighbors and friends is rendered easy
The rates for local service arc moderate. With not less than six
subscribers 011 one circuit, $4 per year, or 33 Ms cents per moth, the
subscriber to own and maintain his lines and instruments. No
more liberal proposition ever made.
Direct connection with the Long Distance Switchboard of tiie
Southwestern company.
Information gladly furnished on application.
L L. COLE , Alto * Telephon Exchange
Toll Agent Southwestern Telegraph and Telephone Co
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McClure & McClure. The Alto Herald (Alto, Tex.), Vol. 8, No. 47, Ed. 1 Friday, October 30, 1908, newspaper, October 30, 1908; Alto, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth214024/m1/3/: accessed April 30, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Stella Hill Memorial Library.