Annotations (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 27, No. 1, Ed. 1, March, 1998 Page: 3 of 16
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March I 998
Page 3
®l!E "ffiiat" nf it:
Jail Mail
By Judge Larry Gist
Senior Criminal District Judge & Adjunct Professor
Editor's Note:
Special thanks goes out to
Judge Gist for submitting this
delightfully insightful article.
Judge Gist's knowledge, teach-
ing ability and sense of humor
is an asset to our school The
Judge, as we refer to him,
teaches Criminal Procedure
and Criminal Trial Advocacy
at the Law Center.
Everybody, and I mean
everybody, who works in the
criminal justice system
receives volumes of mail
every week. Some of us
probably get more than
many celebrities and movie
stars.
Sometimes, you get
those wonderful letters in
which somebody thanks you
fordoing an especially good
job and bringing justice to a
case. I generally get about I
of those a year!!! But I'm
sure others get a lot more.
Most of my mail comes
from the jail or prison. So
many of the people I deal
with on a "professional"
basis end up confined
somewhere and soon figure
out that they are not "happy
campers." What better way
to express that than to
contact the sentencing
judge.
Jail mail usually comes
in 2 distinct types. There are
those letters that are threat-
ening, and others where
somebody wants a f a v or.
Let's look at the first
category. I will never forget
getting a letter from an
inmate in our jail who was
charged with capital murder.
He expressed in vivid detail
how much he wanted to kill
me and how he had figured
out the way to do it.
It was his plan, he said,
to chop off my head at the
top of a hill and watch it roll
down to the bottom. Now
that was a creative idea,
since there isn't a hill within
miles of Beaumont. But
more importantly, to make
sure I clearly understood his
plan, he had drawn a picture
of his intentions.
His drawing showed him
standing upright and holding
this enormous ax that had
just severed my fat bearded
little head which was rolling
neatly down the hill.
The really unusual thing
was that he drew the entire
picture in his own blood.
The other type of letter
involves a request for some
type of favorable treatment.
I guess the type of letter that
offends me the most is one
that starts something like:
"Good morning, your honor.
I certainly hope you are
feeling fine." Or "Merry
Christmas, and I hope God
blesses you and yours."
Come on, guys. Do you
really think anybody
believes that. At least the
threatening letters are
genuine expressions. But
those "brown nose" suck-up
messages are hardly ever
effective.
The "Request For Time
Cut" letters come in batches
every week. Apparently
there is somebody in prison
that tells inmates that they
can write the sentencing
judge and get a reduction of
sentence. Probably they
have to pay something to
these jail house lawyers to
get this worthless and abso-
lutely incorrect advice. But
over and over again, here
they come. The remedy
they seek is legally
impossible to grant. But the
flow of mail continues.
Then there are the
mixed message letters.
Inmates start off with such
pleasant greetings. Then
they ask that certain things
be sent to them so that they
can sue me.
Every criminal judge
gets these all of the time.
Now think about this for a
moment. Would anybody
with any sense at all want
to help somebody sue them.
But the flow of mail
continues.
Of course there are
always plenty of complaint
letters that I have absolutely
no control over. Like
messages complaining that
the potatoes were cold at
lunch, or that somebody
else got to be a trustee that
wasn't as qualified as the
letter writer. Life just has its
little ups and downs, doesn't
it.
Judges are not alone in
the receipt of mail. Lawyers,
especially those appointed
by the Court, are constantly
getting messages from jail.
I guess we should all just
expect it. When an inmate
is sitting in a cell with
nothing better to do, then
why not mess with the
system that in so many of
their minds is responsible for
their unjustified incarcera-
tion.
Some of the stuff is of
affect;
Then I suggest we elect;
To fight it in examining
trial"
"Now about that felony
theft;
The only one that's left;
If probation they '11 give;
I can take it and live;
And feel very good with
myself "
Judge Larry Gist, a.k.a
Santa Claus
"I am still
awaiting your
letter;
I know I'm a
miserable
debtor;
But your
quick corre-
spondence;
Will relieve my
despondence;
And I'll feel a
hell of a lot
better. "
top quality literary value. A
lawyer friend of mine
received the following poem
from one of his appointed
clients:
"Dear Judiciously,
Honorable Sir;
I hope you do fully
concur;
Fori anxiously await;
The eventual date;
That you spring me out of
this stir. "
"I know it won t be long;
Their case can t be that
strong;
It '11 fall right apart;
When the proceedings do
start;
Of course, though, I
could be wrong. "
"I don t even know how
they tagged it;
My situation truly is
tragic;
But however they word it;
We 'II win with the verdict;
When you work your law-
yerly magic. "
"About the first little
zinger;
The sorry little
misdemeanor;
I have received a report;
They'll take it in J. P.
Court;
And my record will be no
less the cleaner."
"About the one they just
filed;
It's a dirty lie, most vile;
If my probation it '11
"So I will be
watching the
mail;
I know that you
will not fail; Just give it a
whack;
And may God bless your
back;
And remember,
I'M IN JAIL."
Another crafty inmate
wrote to his lawyer: "All
told, I've been confined
15 flat months. Thank
you for yourforbearance
through all of these
ordeals. Stern captains
have abandoned ships in
calmer seas than we've
seen. "
And there is plenty of
correspondence about legal
fees. One Inmate wrote:
"By the way, I don't
remember having signed
a form for you to receive
your just due for defend-
ing me in this case.
Catch me before Friday
morning or it might be a
while.
On the other hand,
don't catch me. That will
leave you some incentive
for wanting to see me out
that much sooner. "
One of my favorite
letters to a lawyer:
"There has been a
development. It seems
that the old man in the
incident is somewhat well
known in downtown.
From information that I
have gathered from
within the jail, he and his
pets inhabit an aban-
doned church. He is
supposed to be called Mr.
King or Mr. Keen - I '11
check and make sure.
Whatever, he does
appear to be locatable.
Whether or not he can be
persuaded to come clean
is a different story. Of
course, the best imagin-
able scenario is one in
which the old man takes
the stand, admits all, and
sinks the State's case.
Scenario II. The old
man is subpoenaed, takes
the stand, denies all but
is goaded through your
skillful strategic questions
to make a dramatic
witness-stand confession.
An extremely danger-
ous roll of the dice, but
then of course we have
nerves of steel. "
There are so many more
that need review but I have
to go now. The mail just
arrived!!! □
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Pajak, Ken. Annotations (Houston, Tex.), Vol. 27, No. 1, Ed. 1, March, 1998, newspaper, March 1998; Houston, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth144528/m1/3/: accessed May 15, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting South Texas College of Law.