The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. ONE, Ed. 1, Monday, April 1, 1996 Page: 2 of 8
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Page 2 The Bland April 1 19
Swammi reaches out to the conscience reader
Over the past few years we at
THE DLAND have received numerous
inquiries as to improving the quality
of life for our fellow students.
Therefore we deem it our responsibil-
ity to provide this service. Go ahead
write us letters; the Swammi will be
happy to answer them all.
Dear Swammi:
I need words of wisdom. How is
the best way to meet girls on this cam-
pus? -Desperate in Anderson
Dear Desperate:
I usually prefer "Hi I'm the
Swammi. Who the heck arc you?" If
that doesn't work then try something
like "Settle for me."
Dear Swammi:
What is the secret for being a suc-
cess in life?
-Pampered in Ferguson
Dear Pampered:
To live up to your potential the trick
is to set your standards really low.
isj
Old Tart
Swammi Says
Dear Swammi:
How do I know when ifis time to
do laundry?
-Unclothed in Bchrens
Dear Unclothed:
I hope that you're not naked after
only the first few days after Spring
Break! (Actually that might be pretty
cool!) I think that I can help you out.
Laundry has three stages; clean dirty
and funky. Clean laundry is clothing
that has been recently washed and can
be worn without trouble. Dirty laundry
is clothing that has been worn but has
since been recycled. Funky laundry is
clothing that is so dirty it can attend
class for you because it has a life of its
own. When all of your clothing is
funky if s time to suck it up and do
wash.
Dear Swammi:
I'm a 5-4 130-pound male and not
too built. I don't have any real inter-
ests except for class. However I'm a
really nice caring guy. I am looking
for a really beautiful smart sophisti-
cated girl I can go out with. Do you
know where I can meet this type of
girl?
-Poindexter in Nix
Dear Poindexter
No. - '
Dear Swammi:
I'm a freshman guy that wants to
meet nice girls. Any advice?
-Romeo in Nix
Dear Romeo:
Since you are a freshman meeting
girls is pretty much out of the question
for you. You might try telling them
that you are me. If that doesn't work
tell them that you know me. Can't
help out much more than that.
Dear Swammi:
I have nothing to do. What can I
do for fun?
-Bored in Hunter
Dear Bored:
Join a social club. Why learn
about some exotic foreign culture in
some musty classroom when ypu can
become part of one yourself? After
joining a social club you'll never be
bored again.
Dear Swammi:
What is your editorial philoso-
phy? -A Politically Correct Student
DearP.C:
I firmly believe that there is more
to life than girls money and fun. I just
don't know what it is yet.
RS.: Don't ever write me again!
EDITOR'S NOTE: It is all about humor.
In our lives we sometimes get dragged
down by the day-to-day so just laugh. It's
healthy.
Grandma fireflies and other notes of interest
I can't believe my grandma ran off to Spain
with her brother sipping hot coffee eating stale hot
dogs scratching her back with sandpaper.
I mean where are her priorities? She's just an
insensitive duck.
And I'm thinking to myself "Why are ducks so
insensitive?" Can't they understand that when I go
fishing maybe I just want to be alone?
And NO the bait on the end of my hook is
NOT for you! Sometimes I just want to say to the
duck "Come on baby. Bite the hook. That will
teach you!" But thafs inhumane.
And what some people do to fireflies is inhu-
mane. The way they they are walking home late at
night and forget their flashlight so they see a firefly
and think to themselves "I'll just catch me a firefly
and tear its tailend off and stick it on the end of my
finger so 111 have some light."
And then I say to myself "You know some-
times I feel like a firefly. People come and tear my
tailend off and stick it on the end of their finger.
"This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine..."
Yea thafs what they sing.
And when I see a taxi I say to myself
"Sometimes I feel like a taxi People coming in and
out in and out in out in out of my life and I just
want to say to them "What am I Chopped Liver?"
And why do people always say "Chopped
Liver?" Why liver? And its not even chopped! Why
'Sn
E.Z. Laugh
& Ima Fibber
So I said to
myself...
don't people say "What am I? Pickled Pigs Feet?" I
think thafs probably worse than than chopped
liver. Or how about road kill? Sometimes I feel like
road kill. I just want to scream "Why don't you
just run me over throw me on the hood of your car
and run around it yelling "Hood Ornament Hood
Ornament!"
And have you ever been driving by your church
at night and seen a couple "parking?" Thafs so
dross! And when you talk to them the next day
they say "Oh we were just praying." Oh I'm sorry.
Is that what they call it now a days? You were
probably greeting each other with a "Holy Kiss."
Whatever Clever Trever.
And answer me this about names. Why is Bill
short for William? Why isn't Bill short for Billiam
and Will short for William? And Bob short for
Bobert and Rob short for Robert? Why can't Jim be
short for Jimes and Jam short for James. And why
is Steve short for Steven as if that shortens it
enough to make a real difference. The only one that
really makes sense is Chris and Christopher because
who would want "topher" on the end of their
name?
So I said to myself "Do short names really mat-
ter and why are people so uneasy about going to
the bathroom with the lights off? If s not like the
toilet paper dispenser is going anywhere.
"Hmmm...Where's the Charmin?"
And whaf s so scarey about being in a church
alone late at night? Ifs the house of God. Except
that little old man who hides in the closet and
switches around all the toilet paper despensers
when everyone leaves.
One night I saw him and I said to myself "I
know him" and then I realized "Hey ifs my Great
Uncle Topher!" So I said "Great Uncle Topher why
aren't you in Spain with Grandma sipping hot cof-
fee eating stale hot dogs scratching your back with
sandpaper?"
And he said "Well one night your grandma got
afraid when it got dark and tore off a helpless fire-
fly's tailend and stuck it to her finger and I said to
her "You're an insensitive duck!" And she said "So
I care. I learned it by watching you alright?"
I speak to sensible people; judge for yourselves what I say.
I Corinthians 10:15
edKor-ln-chlef
Two Paws Shacur
ports editor
Running Water
entertainment editor
Seenit Lately
ads & distribution
Bill Melater.
managing editor
Whiskers Dunnit
feature editor
Itle B. Alright
office manager
Ltz Terene
advisor
I. Just Dunno
Tme Bland.
Tho Bland is a non-profit campus newspaper published
once a yoar on April Fool's Day. It has no meaning or bearing
on anything. It is writton to relievo stress and tension and is pro-
vided to the student body for medicinal purposes only. Laughter
is our purposo and by no means do we mean to belittle or
offend any group on the campus.
Opinions expressed in Tho Bland em those of the fictitious
writers and do not reflect tho views of the university faculty
staff and administration or student body.
And nothing in this four-page supplomont is true oxcopt
HSU did have a mascot named Dam-It and he is dead.
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The Brand (Abilene, Tex.), Vol. 83, No. ONE, Ed. 1, Monday, April 1, 1996, newspaper, April 1, 1996; Abilene, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth97635/m1/2/: accessed April 27, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Hardin-Simmons University Library.