Dallas Voice (Dallas, Tex.), Vol. 21, No. 30, Ed. 1 Friday, December 3, 2004 Page: 28 of 64
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I ife+sty le comedy
he merry
misanthrope
Star of Sedans' "Santaland Diaries," Nye Cooper
muses about the truly bitter meaning of Christmas
Need an antidote to all the precious
wholesome holiday cheer? For the
fourth consecutive year, Nye Cooper
brings to life David Sedaris' yuletide
classic, "The Santaland Diaries" at WaterTower
Theatre. It's a one-man show about Crumpet, a
surly seasonal Macy's employee who hates
Christmas but works as Santa's helper.
It looks like Cooper is starting a fine holiday
tradition. Hey says he'll keep performing
"Santaland Diaries" as for long as WaterTower
allows him.
"Or unless I get too old," Cooper says. "I
mean a 30-ish guy in tights is funny. A 40-ish guy
in tights — that's kind of sad."
Cooper says he actually loves Christmas. In
fact, he completed all this year's shopping before
Halloween. But he still likes going to the malls
just to enjoy all the hustle-and-bustle madness.
He recently made a list of festive observations
that are both holly-jolly and bah-humbug.
I
A few of Nye's favorite things ...
1. Those poor penguins at NorthPark Mall. Does
anyone ever change that water? They spend the
Christmas season getting ogled
and heckled by the throngs of retail
whores. My fantasy is that the penguins
go berserk and attack shoppers, m
Imagine seeing a relative showing up
for Christmas dinner after a rabid
marine bird pecked out an eye.
2. Talking to children about Santa
can be a hoot. You can have a ton of
fun without ever telling them there's®
no Santa Claus. Here's a conversation
I had with a nephew last Christmas. ■
Keep in mind it's only a suggestion;
"Reagan, you know about Santa
Claus, don't you?"
"What about him, Uncle Nye?"
"Well, Reagan ... he died."
"What? H-How could that happen?"*
"Well, it was probably somethingyou did. That's
what your Mom told me, anyway,"
28 I dallasvoice.com I 12.03.04-
OR NICE: Cooper
plays "Crumpet" a hapless gay man who's
reduced to working as a Christmas elf.
3. Dwarves and midgets working as Santa's elves.
People actually pay iittle people respect during the
holidays. I've seen children at the mall who get
more excited over seeing "that real elf" than see
ing the bearded one himself. When you're only 3-
feet tall, that must make them feel good. Of
course, this respect is short-lived. Ever see a child
run into a bantam adult at Kroger? Unless
they're dressed as Cupid on Valentine's Day, all
hell could break loose.
4. Driving along the country back roads on the
way to my folks' house on Christmas Eve. The
sights are beautiful — aii those mobile homes
dotting the countryside between North Texas and
southwest Louisiana. Believe it or not, people in
mobile homes are
very proud of their
Christmas lights.
One time I saw
the birth of Baby
Jesus take place
in the back of a
.. Jrry
oris'tries
Ford pickup. It was a biblical tailgate party. Joy to
the world!
5. Because I have no children, I enjoy watching
parents in extremely long lines to see Santa Claus.
Have you seen these lines? Better yet, have you
ever gotten a really good look at the faces of the
parents? Pure misery ... they should at least
build a ride at the end or something.
Dealing with that huge crowd, standing for
hours on end, and all I get to do is sit on
some questionable old man's lap? I can go
to the Hideaway for that. At least there
can get a drink.
6. Cruelty to relatives. For me. it wouldn't
be the holidays with-
out it. My only liv-
ing grandmother,
Nan," lives in a
home. Yes, we put
her there. She com-
pletely lost it shortly
after grandfather died, and then Nan's dog came
to live with me.
So, every year, I take the dog back to my folks'
for Christmas. And every year I tell Nan that the
dog died. Then I tell her I was kidding and we let
the dog out of my old bedroom and have a good
laugh. Last year, after I told her that he died, I got
busy and forgot to let the dog out. I
wonder if I should even bother bring-
ing him home this year. I think Nan
till believes he's dead. Of course,
she still believes her husband is
alive. Poor Nan.
7. "Hard Candy Christmas," by
Dolly Parton. Seriously, who does-
I't love this woman and her woeful
"account of the yuletide season?
Stone Cottage of the Addison Theatre Centre,
15650 Addison Rd, Addison, Wednesdays-Thursdays
at 8 p.m., Fridays-Saturdays at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.,
Sundays at 5 p.m. and 7 p.m. Through Dec, 23. No
performances Dec. 7. $15. 972-450-6220.
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Vercher, Dennis. Dallas Voice (Dallas, Tex.), Vol. 21, No. 30, Ed. 1 Friday, December 3, 2004, newspaper, December 3, 2004; Dallas, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth238886/m1/28/: accessed May 22, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting UNT Libraries Special Collections.