The Texas Standard, Volume 35, Number 3, May-June 1961 Page: 3
31 p. : ill. ; 29 cm.View a full description of this periodical.
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I
evMOf
Let's Try Affection With Reasonable
Freedom — And With Controls!" *
By DR. RONALD J. ROUSSEVE
Acting Director of the Counseling Center
Prairie View A. and M. College
At the outset we would all probably
agree that young people need love and
affection in order to become well-ad-
justed, secure human beings. This is the
consensus not only of parents, but of
psychologists as well who have conduct-
ed scientific studies in this area.
But what about the question of "per-
missivenes" ? At one time it was sug-
gested that children should be allowed
to develop with a minimum of interfer-
ence from adults. Indeed, during an
earlier period progressive education
high-lighted this idea that children
should be permitted much freedom in
expressing themselves.
Well, unfortunately, I believe too
many of us have made the mistake of
talking about love and permissiveness
as though they were the same thing.
This is not the case at all. It is possible
to deal with one's children rather firmly
and still give them a sufficient measure
of love and affection. Too much per-
missiveness and passivity toward young-
sters and their behavior can do more
harm than good, for when children are
permitted to do as they please, to make
their own choices, to formulate their
own decisions —- how do they learn to
respect the opinions of others? How do
they learn to subordinate their own
little egocentric, selfish interests to the
desires of the group; how can they
learn to cooperate for the common
good; how can they learn the impor-
tance of conforming to the will of the
majority; how can they develop a de-
sirable respect for authority???
What I am suggesting is that in order
to develop the essentials of strong char-
acter and a wholesome personality
structure, the child needs a happy bal-
ance between freedom and restriction.
For when permissiveness encourages sel-
fishness, cruelty, extreme aggressiveness,
and a lack of respect for responsible
authority-—it must be curtailed in the
interest of promoting the healthy de-
velopment of the child.
*A condensation of an address delivered be-
fore the PTA at the Prairie View Training
School in November, 1960.
MAY-JUNE, 1961
DR. RONALD J. ROUSSEVE
But at this point, let me share with
you the thinking of a well-known spe-
cialist in the area of baby and child
care, Dr. Benjamin Spock. Dr. Spock
has said, "'Trusted teachers and other
counselors sometimes hear an adolescent
say, 'I wish my mother and father
would lay down definite rules for me
like my pals' parents do.' The child
himself senses that he needs conrtols
and that restriction can function as an
aspect of love and concern. He feels
lost without it . . . Some parents have
tried to be very "pally" with their chil-
dren, because they are afraid their chil-
dren won't love them if they control
them or correct them. But that doesn't
work. The children end up not respect-
ing their parents and not loving them
much, either."
Dr. Spock has implied that children
develop a feeling of security and of con-
tentedness when they realize that their
parents are interested in whether they
are doing right or wrong. And I might
add that such children'invariably mani-
fest a large measure of love and respect
for the adult "advisor" who is secure
enough himself (or herself) to teach ap-
propriate ways of behaving.
Affection with reasonable freedom
and with control is, it seems, a sound
guiding principle to employ in the rear-
ing of children. And if you were to ask
at what age this kind of disciplining
should start, I would say very early in-
deed — and here is an example which
fits well here: A baby learned the com-
fort of being carried around in the
evening during the first four months of
life, when he had severe colic. He's six
months old now and the colic is gone,
but he still cries indignantly unless he is
carried all evening. His mother gives
in, although she can see that he's dead
tired. This baby needs discipline in the
sense of needing a mother who realizes
that she is wiser than he is and that the
sensible thing is to put him in bed, even
if he veils bloody murder for 10 min-
utes.
In other words, even at 6 months of
age a child is made secure by having a
parent who is able to say, "Honey, now
it's bedtime and you've got to go to bed
whether you like it or not."
A parent who is being buffaloed and
intimidated by a child can't love him,
and such a parent feels increasingly an-
tagonistic toward him. The child, in
turn, becomes anxious and demanding.
In short, I am saying that while 20
or 30 years ago there began to be this
business of "you must not inhibit chil-
dren and frustrate them; they must
have free expression"-—today it is be-
coming increasingly clear that extreme
permissiveness is out-of-date. The point
is that all of us have got to learn to
accept a reasonable amount of control
if we're going to get along happily with
our fellow men — and children are no
exceptions! Young people are in no
position to make decisions for them-
selves unassisted, and they have to learn
to accept rules and that free expression
has its great drawbacks.
What we're trying to do is to get
them so they can live happily with
other people; and if you just freely
express yourself showing no regard for
others — then you're certainly not go-
ing to have many friends or live very
effectively.
And so I say, let's try affection with
reasonable freedom — and with con-
trols!
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McDaniel, Vernon. The Texas Standard, Volume 35, Number 3, May-June 1961, periodical, May 1961; Austin, Texas. (https://texashistory.unt.edu/ark:/67531/metapth193805/m1/3/: accessed May 7, 2024), University of North Texas Libraries, The Portal to Texas History, https://texashistory.unt.edu; crediting Prairie View A&M University.